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My breath is gone. My heart jackhammers in my chest. My legs are aflame. The slope is so steep, the end nowhere near. I crank the bike pedals around – again, again, again. Go body, I demand. More. Now.
I do not ask my body what it needs. I do not appreciate its unyielding effort. My mind is a tyrant, demanding my body’s compliance.
I reach the top, my lungs about to explode. My bike crests over the hill and where there should be pride/relief/joy, there is only the smug satisfaction of dominating my body.
My body is a machine - my machine - and I will make it go.
Getting Honest
People used to congratulate me on my dedication to exercise. They didn’t know it bordered on dysfunctional. They didn’t know I was sometimes a perpetrator, my body the victim. They didn’t know it long ago stopped feeling like a choice.
I told myself it was for the endorphins. For my mental health. For my physical health. For my heart health.
I told myself it helped regulate my Type I diabetes (even when the exercise was so intense it stressed my system and wreaked havoc with my blood sugar).
I told myself I liked it.
I told myself it was a good way to manage my weight.
I told myself I would feel good when I was done.
And all these things are true. They are also rationalizations for real harm I did to my body.
Shift Your Perspective
Exercise is such a wonderful, necessary thing for our bodies.
We are animals. Our bodies are made for movement. Our heart is a muscle that benefits from strengthening. Our bones need to bear weight. Our systems need the flushing exercise provides. Our brains, spirits and bodies benefit endlessly from movement, sweat, fresh air and challenge.
And, for some of us, exercise may also be a form of oppression. A way to manipulate, punish and control our bodies.
I love to exercise – love feeling strong in my body and love how it regulates my mood and emotions.
But for years, exercise was a star player in my eating disorder. I “earned” food by burning calories and used exercise to purge after overeating. I was anxious on days I couldn’t exercise hard, afraid a single missed day would make me gain weight or lose my motivation.
I had no interest in my body’s actual needs. I exercised in ways my mind decided were best – from following the latest research or latest trend. More was always better. Harder was required. I controlled my activity as a way of controlling the rest of myself.
Denial is easy to uphold when your actions align with socially sanctioned behaviors. Everywhere I turned, I was praised for my fitness discipline. Our culture loves fit bodies, before/after photos and taming our weak wills with strong minds. And the benefits of exercise are legit – tested and measurable.
But this doesn’t mean it’s always healthy.
I’m talking about intention – our motivation, attitude and mindset – when we exercise.
Disengage From the Socialized Fitness Narrative
The language of the fitness industry perpetuates this us vs. our bodies paradigm. A quick search of workouts turned up these names:
Tabata Torture
Upper Body Destroyer
Kickboxing Torch and Tone
No Excuses Tank Top Toner
Calorie Crusher
Killer Cardio
The Pain Train
Calorie Torching Spin
These terms aren’t simply descriptive (“this class is going to be hard”) but a character assassination of our body and our motivation to care for it.
(Why can’t we just move? Why do we also have to “torch” “shred” “minimize” or “carve”?)
The message: we are fat and lazy and need to take charge!
Because exercise is so deeply fused with ideas of weight and calories, exercise has become polluted for many of us.
Maybe your story is totally different from mine. Maybe exercise has different hooks in you – ones that make you feel that you can’t show your face (or ass) in a gym, that you don’t have time for exercise, that you can’t do burpees or jump squats and what else is there?
I would argue these hooks are all essentially the same. They are based on the idea that we don’t know how to be in, or move, our own bodies.
Nothing could be further than the truth. We’ve simply been trained out of our intuitive connection to our physical form.
Much of the fitness industry is steeped in the same dysfunction of diet culture with a focus exercising so we can change our bodies.
But what would if we exercised for joy rather than results?
(It’s rare but refreshing when I hear mainstream fitness instructors say: “Listen to your body.” “Honor your body’s signals over my instructions.” “Enjoy the feeling of your strength.” I highly recommend Katie and the instructors at Five55 Mind and Body for local offerings of body-intuitive exercise.)
Exercising in Partnership with Our Bodies
Just like people worry that if they give themselves permission to eat what they want they will eat everything in sight, people also worry if they don’t force themselves to exercise, they never will.
My experience with Intuitive Eating and intuitive movement has been the opposite of this. While it took some time (and trust), my body is coming to an easeful, peaceful balance with both food and exercise.
Because here’s the thing: our bodies are designed for movement and engagement. When we are connected to our authentic bodies, it would be nearly impossible to repress our desire to move. If we are chronically unmotivated to move our bodies, it’s likely coming from our minds and limiting beliefs and not from our bodies.
It’s funny – we think freedom will make us unhinged when in actuality, it gives us is choice. And choice always feels better than force.
Choice allows us to find our own middle ground. Not on partner’s or our friend’s or everyone on social media. But OURS.
Where there is choice, there can be liberation. Where there is no choice, there can be no liberation.
This does not mean you will never sweat or grow muscle. Honoring our bodies doesn’t mean only moving them in gentle ways. I truly believe sometimes our bodies will say enough and other times they will say more. My body often craves hard work and physical challenge.
But we will experience more joy if we exercise in communion with our bodies rather than imposing it on our bodies. The key is to listen to our bodies. Not our minds. Not the experts. Not the “shoulds.” But our own bodies. They know.
It’s a completely different experience to demand my body cycle for two hours than to let my body lead me and ask to ride for two hours.
One way separates me from my body. The other connects me to my body.
We can lift to muscle failure, run marathons or hike tall peaks from a place of love and respect for our bodies. We can also go for a walk, dance around the kitchen or garden and feel the same. Our bodies have different needs and desires at different times and that is as it should be.
What would it be like to exercise for pleasure rather than results?
(But what if I hate exercise? you might be asking. Then don’t “exercise.” Ask your body how it wants to move and do that. Moving is one of our most natural instincts. We move all the time. Even when we are stationary.)
Exercising consciously is about abandoning our mind’s agenda and getting curious about our body’s needs.
It’s less about what we do but about how we do it. How we feel while we are exercising matters. Exercise done in fear, forcing or rigidness creates stress and disconnection from our bodies. The same drills or activities done with respect and intuition not only breed joy but foster love and appreciation for our bodies.
Which means we can use conscious exercise to heal our relationship with our bodies.
Ways to Heal Your Relationship With Exercise
Healing our relationship with exercise is a mindset shift. It’s less about what is happening with your body and what is happening between your ears.
1. Establish your intention.
For those of us trained in the “calories in/calories out" framework of diet and exercise, it can be hard to step outside the paradigm. Set the intention to move your body for the enjoyment of it, to feel your strength, your power, your muscles moving in concert. How we think about exercise will determine if it is stressful drudgery or pleasurable play.
2. Take a break from fitness watches/trackers.
Just try it. See how it feels. I laugh every time a friend groans at the end of a walk that they didn’t start their tracker and now it won’t “count.” Most of us have been trained to override our instincts when it comes to our bodies. We listen to trainers and experts over our own inherent wisdom. I had to take a break from calculating my pace, adhering to a schedule or comparing myself to others. It was about breaking the habit of “performing” exercise. Rather than getting X number of steps or closing rings, try focusing on how your body’s response during and after exercise. This is how we strengthen our internal cues.
3. Be IN your body.
Most of us aren’t aware of how often we exit our bodies. Or hold our breaths. Often we “leave” (get lost in our minds) to escape the moment we’re in. If you feel yourself leave, ask what might need to change so you can comfortably return. And then do that.
4. Listen to your body.
Paying attention to the nuances of body sensation and feedback is how we develop somatic intuition and tap into our body’s extraordinary wisdom. Assume your body knows. Practice trusting it.
5. Be on your own team.
Self-talk matters. Choosing supportive, appreciative thoughts while you’re moving can really boost the positive impact of the activity.
Good job, body. Wow, you’re amazing. Thank you legs, muscles, tendons, heart, lungs, vessels, enzymes, hormones, circulation. Look at how you all work together to make this possible. Thank you, body, for all you do for me.
6. Get out in nature.
Nature is such good medicine for our physical, emotional and spiritual selves. Moving my body outside feels less like work and more like fun. I always prefer a trail over a treadmill.
Cultivate Body Love by Exercising for You. No One Else.
I still ride my bike up big hills and love to take my body to its limit. But everything about how I do it is different now. I don’t tell my body what it will do. Instead, I ask, and I listen.
We liberate ourselves by being in partnership with our bodies, by treating them as our equals.
We liberate ourselves by caring more about enjoying exercise than completing it.
We liberate when we prioritize our body's truth over other people's expertise, rules or expectations.
We liberate ourselves by exercise not to change our bodies but to experience the wonder of being physical beings.
We liberate by giving ourselves permission to find activities that suite us, that feel life-giving and fun.
We liberate ourselves by exercising with love for ourselves and our precious bodies.
Exercising joyfully is a celebration of our bodies. Celebrating our bodies while we exercise creates joy. It’s a cycle of goodness.
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