All I wanted was to be chosen.

As a date for the homecoming dance of 10^th grade. By my top choice college. By that guy and then that girl. By that employer. By that agent, publisher, reader. By that client. By the speaking booking agent.

But not just them.

I wanted it all. I wanted to be chosen by the scrolling Instagramer, that recalcitrant Amazon reviewer, that stranger who didn’t return my greeting.

By my cat who spins away when I call her name.

Here’s the dirty truth: I even want to be chosen by those I wouldn’t choose.

Which means this isn’t just about being wanted or chosen. It’s about belonging.

Why the Need for Belonging Can Lead to Self-Abandonment

Belonging is a deep and valid human need. We all want and need it, are literally designed for it.

(Why else would people wear the same ugly clothes as their peers are even though they hate the style?)

But there can be a dark side to belonging, one that lives within us.

Sometimes the need to belong can become outsized, extending beyond social bonds and into a way to confirm our worth.

When this happens, we morph into what we think people want so that we can belong. Little by little, we shift our focus from who we intrinsically are to become what we need to belong.

The need for belonging can become so entangled with worthiness that we abandon ourselves to secure it. 

This is how belonging goes from a relational need to an identity need.

And when our self-concept is on the line, we will do whatever it takes to preserve it.

Even if that means betraying ourselves.  

How the Need for Belonging Becomes Self-Abandonment

Self-abandonment is common theme with the women I work with.

Yet for most of them, they don’t even realize self-betrayal as it’s happening.

And why would they? We live in a culture that both expects and rewards women for self-sacrifice, for not having needs, and for prioritizing others. (And equally, we punish them for doing the opposite.)

It’s an understandable trade. But a very painful one.

One that blocks our ability to be self-led.

Here are the ways women self-abandon without realizing it:

1.     You make decisions based on other people's potential reactions.

You spend more time anticipating disappointment, anger, or judgment than considering what you actually want.

2.     You explain your boundaries instead of simply honoring them.

The boundary isn't enough. You feel compelled to justify it.

3.     You override your own knowing.

You already know the answer, but keep polling friends, reading articles, or asking for more opinions.

4.     You treat your feelings like a problem to solve rather than information to consider.

Instead of asking what the feeling is telling you, you immediately try to get rid of it, invalidate it, or judge it.

5.     You minimize what matters to you.

"It's not a big deal." Or "I don't really care."

Except you do.

6.     You wait until you're certain before taking action.

You call it being responsible, but often it's fear dressed up as preparation.

7.     You monitor everyone else's needs while neglecting your own.

You're highly attuned to others and disconnected from yourself.

8.     You ignore recurring resentment.

Resentment is often one of the earliest signs that you're violating your own boundaries or values.

9.     You stay loyal to old versions of yourself.

You keep showing up as who people expect you to be rather than who you're becoming.

10.  You abandon yourself before anyone else has the chance to.

• You reject your ideas first.

• Dismiss your needs first.

• Talk yourself out of what you want first.

• It's a preemptive strategy designed to protect you from disappointment or rejection.

Self-Abandonment Reflection Exercise

These behaviors may look unrelated, but they're often expressions of the same underlying pattern.

These reflection questions are aimed at getting to the critical root of the pattern: The belief that belonging, approval, acceptance, or love must be earned through self-abandonment.

1. Where in your life do you most frequently edit, shrink, or silence yourself?

2. What are you afraid would happen if you stopped?

3. What approval, acceptance, or belonging are you hoping to secure through that behavior?

4. What part of yourself are you sacrificing in the process?

5. What would it look like to belong to yourself first in this situation?

Self-Belonging: The Antidote to Self-Abandonment

Self-abandonment is rarely the goal. It's the strategy.

It's what we do when we're trying to secure something deeply human: belonging, acceptance, love, approval.

The problem begins when belonging becomes proof of worthiness.

If belonging is being used to prove your worth, no amount of belonging will ever satisfy the need.

Because belonging can't create worthiness.

No agent, client, follower, lover, or cat choosing me will ever be enough to convince me that I am worthy.

The question isn't whether other people will choose you. The question is whether you'll choose yourself.

This is the heart of self-belonging: staying connected to yourself even when belonging feels uncertain. Honoring your truth, your needs, your knowing, and your values instead of trading them for approval.

And from self-belonging comes self-leadership.

Self-leadership isn't confidence. It's the willingness to stay with yourself. To trust what you know. To honor what matters. To stop abandoning yourself in pursuit of acceptance.

The work isn't learning how to belong better.

The work is refusing to pay for belonging with yourself.

Suzanne C. Carver is a bestselling author, speaker, and self-leadership coach who helps women break the stories and patterns that keep them disconnected from their power.

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