Why Fear of Disapproval Costs More Than You Think

I was in line at my daughter’s graduation, tracking the storm clouds like a meteorologist. It was definitely going to rain again.

We were lucky and got a spot under the covered walkway, but there was a crowd gathering out in the open. They were dressed up and were going to get wet.

Up ahead of us, the line was single file. The solution was obvious. If the people under cover were willing to spread out across the walkway, at least 100 more people could fit underneath.

There was only one problem.

I didn’t want people to see me as bossy. Or controlling.

Or, worst of all, a bitch.

Let me pause and describe what I looked like in that moment: a maroon dress, mismatched and chipped sky-blue toenails, a North Face windbreaker, and a rainbow umbrella.

My priority wasn’t being pretty. It was staying dry. (The toenails were an oversight.)

I stood there not caring that my aesthetic could be categorized as “chaotic” at best. Because I've been practicing not caring what people think about my appearance, and this felt like a win.

And yet I was still too scared to do what I could see needed to be done.

It began to rain and my heart squeezed. They would all get wet while I stood there arm wrestling my demons.

I couldn't allow that.

So what did I do? I convinced the guy behind me to do it.

What Percentage of Your Life Is Organized Around Avoiding Disapproval?

How often do you:

• not say the thing

• not ask for what you want

• not take the risk

• not disappoint others

We call this people-pleasing, perfectionism, or self-doubt. We think of it as a fear of disapproval.

But underneath it is something much simpler – and far more fundamental: Safety.

Why Fear of Disapproval Feels So Powerful

We don't usually think of people-pleasing, perfectionism, or self-doubt as safety strategies.

But look closer.

Underneath those behaviors is often an attempt to avoid something: rejection, criticism, exclusion, conflict, failure, disapproval.

Somewhere along the way many of us learned that those experiences weren't merely uncomfortable.

They felt unsafe. That's what makes fear of disapproval so powerful.

Most people will read that and think: Nope. Not me. I feel safe.

But safety is much sneakier than we think. It's often operating below the level of conscious awareness.

The problem isn't that we want safety. Of course we do.

The problem is that many of us have learned to find it outside ourselves.

We seek safety through:

• Approval

• Belonging

• Certainty

• Success

• Being liked

• Being agreeable

• Not standing out

• Avoiding vulnerability

We rarely notice this happening. We think we're making practical decisions. But often we're simply protecting access to whatever we've made responsible for our safety.

Which is great if we're face-to-face with a bear.

It's less great when we want to apply for a promotion, express a dissenting opinion, leave a relationship, start a business, or help people stay dry in the rain.

The Hidden Cost of Outsourcing Safety

The moment someone else becomes responsible for your sense of safety, they also gain influence over your choices.

Think about that for a moment.

Whatever you depend on for safety will eventually influence your choices.

If you depend on approval, you'll make choices that protect approval.

If you depend on belonging, you'll make choices that protect belonging.

If you depend on certainty, you'll avoid choices that require risk.

If you depend on being liked, you'll avoid choices that might upset people.

When safety becomes external:

• You can't fully be yourself.

• You struggle to set boundaries.

• You second-guess your decisions.

• You stay longer than you should.

• You shrink your expression.

• You trade authenticity for approval.

  
  

Though you may call it keeping the peace, being practical, or bad timing, your need for safety may be quietly running your life.

Something critical happens when we outsource this very real need to other people or circumstances: We give away our power.

If I need you to agree with me in order to feel safe, I give you my power.

If you need me to respond to you in one exact way for you to feel safe, you give me your power.

When our safety is based outside ourselves, we are not just at the whim of people, uncertainty, and inconsistency. We are victim to them.

Building Internal Safety

The good news: you can develop safety inside yourself.

You can grow it so deep that it becomes foundational - something you can rely on regardless of what is happening around you.

Being your own source of safety doesn't mean never needing other people.

When safety comes from within, relationships become a choice rather than a requirement. You can love people deeply without abandoning yourself to keep them.

When you become your own safe harbor, you stop endlessly searching for the next port to anchor in.

Your relationships become healthier because they are based on choice rather than dependency.

Your self-expression becomes more honest because it is no longer shaped by how you think everyone else will respond.

Your power returns.

This is how you create the sovereignty to choose how you live, love, lead, and express yourself.

Bringing Your Power Home

I wish I had asked the line to move myself. I was genuinely disappointed that I had let my fear of disapproval win.

But it also taught me something valuable. It showed me where I still fear disapproval, where I still seek safety outside myself.

The next time you feel stuck, afraid to speak up, unable to make a decision, or worried about disappointing someone, pause and ask yourself: Where have I outsourced my safety?

Where have you handed another person, circumstance, or outcome the job of making you feel okay?

And how is that shaping the choices you're making?

Because when your safety lives outside you, so does your power.

And when you begin bringing that safety home, your power comes with it.

Suzanne C. Carver is a bestselling author, speaker, and self-leadership coach who teaches women to stop asking the world who to be and start deciding for themselves.

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